The broken and the bruised, the young and the used, the sure and the confused...all here
Sunday, March 25, 2012
Its All I Have
Times when my soul is shrouded
in some sort of bitterness
a feeling
I cannot even begin to comprehend
looms large
over my small imaginary world
and that is when
I scramble with an ungainly gait
into the perimeter of my empty heart
It scares you, doesnt it?
I know, it does ..
I have seen you flinch,
that hurt look on your face
when you see me rambling to myself,
lost in echoes of erstwhile thoughts
But, you can't even touch
the hopelessness that i feel
and I don't want you to,
because it's mine..
It's all I have
Monday, March 5, 2012
Estranged
Clear eyes see
and a clear mind knows
that the world is unchanged
Traffic still moves in push/pull.
Language
mostly coarse and derisive
still fills the air.
Hummingbirds
have not replaced
the pigeons at our window.
There is no rainbow
at the horizon.
Life - both mundane and beautiful
moves along
unfazed.
I will step out
into the tide of humanity
with this secret held
in my heart.
No one could look at my face
and see that
my existence has been redefined.
They have not been blessed
by your fingertips
were not waken as if from death
by your lips
They slumber
as they go about their days.
While I
now wonderfully estranged
stride past
unnoticed.
that the world is unchanged
Traffic still moves in push/pull.
Language
mostly coarse and derisive
still fills the air.
Hummingbirds
have not replaced
the pigeons at our window.
There is no rainbow
at the horizon.
Life - both mundane and beautiful
moves along
unfazed.
I will step out
into the tide of humanity
with this secret held
in my heart.
No one could look at my face
and see that
my existence has been redefined.
They have not been blessed
by your fingertips
were not waken as if from death
by your lips
They slumber
as they go about their days.
While I
now wonderfully estranged
stride past
unnoticed.
Saturday, March 3, 2012
Daydreams
I, these days wonder
what it would be like to be in this world with you,
to gauge the moon and scan the stars with you
to smell the sweet scent of rain washed skies
to feel the mushy earth after wards with you
What it would be like
to watch you walking from across the room
reading your lines, committing them to your silly head
to catch us in a ticklish moment,
where we can be kids again, smooth and innocent
So many ways i can see you
when i have nothing to build on but these words
In sock feet on the sofa, reading a paperback
my head in your lap
A shy smile as i wait in line for our orders
a glint in both our eyes
And always surrounding us a blanket of unspoken comfort
not always from touching,
just sharing the air together in the same room
Or simply idle chatter building up in swells
cascading in fountain with colorful lights
the night lit with the brilliance of our words
the fireworks of our conversations
dimming everything else
I wonder
if we are ever given a chance
will it be beautiful
or will it all backfire, leaving us sullen ..
yearning for the screen so swiftly pulled away
to descend and once more conceal us
i like to believe though
that we would be connected and never want to let go
i have always liked better the pain of letting go
than never having that whose loss will hurt.
It is hard to have this and live
its hard to accept fate thus
its hard, when your heart is dividing
forever
Thursday, March 1, 2012
Look For Me
Look for me
when i am gone
between the pages of the notebook
that i keep
but will never show you
where i have kept alive
every strange moment
i have chosen no longer to dwell upon
where i have stashed you
every thought of you
And a simple wish
how much i would have loved
to have been loved by you
Look for me
and you will find me
you will know me
in between the notes
of the thousand songs
thats i once sang to you
you will find me
in the flight of the empty swing
that i once pushed
a thousand miles into the blue sky
as you stood beneath
and watched
captivated
you will find me
in the contours of the painting
that hangs near the window
or beneath your stairs
you will know me
by the colors - deep and bold
colors of a heart
you never knew
never comprehended
Look for me
because i look for you
I uncover you
in every dream
hiding one more flight of stairs away
higher and lighter
in the distance
I look for you like a ghost
In all the places i go
and sometimes i find you
in the shadow of a man
who wears your haircut
I look for you
in between raindrops
are you
the blue curve of the rainbow?
I will now look for you
where i know you hide
in bewteen the folds of my thoughts
I will look for you
and push you out
I will!!
when i am gone
between the pages of the notebook
that i keep
but will never show you
where i have kept alive
every strange moment
i have chosen no longer to dwell upon
where i have stashed you
every thought of you
And a simple wish
how much i would have loved
to have been loved by you
Look for me
and you will find me
you will know me
in between the notes
of the thousand songs
thats i once sang to you
you will find me
in the flight of the empty swing
that i once pushed
a thousand miles into the blue sky
as you stood beneath
and watched
captivated
you will find me
in the contours of the painting
that hangs near the window
or beneath your stairs
you will know me
by the colors - deep and bold
colors of a heart
you never knew
never comprehended
Look for me
because i look for you
I uncover you
in every dream
hiding one more flight of stairs away
higher and lighter
in the distance
I look for you like a ghost
In all the places i go
and sometimes i find you
in the shadow of a man
who wears your haircut
I look for you
in between raindrops
are you
the blue curve of the rainbow?
I will now look for you
where i know you hide
in bewteen the folds of my thoughts
I will look for you
and push you out
I will!!
Wednesday, February 29, 2012
His Magic Words
I rewind and replay the words he used
to pick the lock on my heart,
words of which he said
I deserved more.
[Ahh! Deserve..how hopeful it sounds..
a gush of crisp clean air
filling up a pair of choked up lungs]
Open Sesame!!
Abracadabra!!
And also 'I Love You'.
He knew, what words open
rusty creaky doors,
after months of locks,
defeat and paranoia.
This time I needed all
I thought I had given away,
I thought I will never need anymore.
I still hold on to
distorted images from dishonest mirrors
endearing nicknames
diagrams and doodles and representations
trinkets
and memories.
When he grins
it is a thousand word story,
punctuated by dimples,
blushes and eye contacts.
He knows,
when to look
and when to look away.
I sit here still
hoping to catch a glimpse
when he looks my way.
Collectors Items
Like a kleptomaniac,
she surreptitiously pockets wretched souls.
And when she has had her hearts fill
she stashes them away in a remote corner
not bothering to look their way,
letting them gather dust,
just content in the knowledge that they are there.
She duels for shattered dreams.
Like an ace athlete craving for trophies
she would do anything to win them.
She has them proudly on display
unreachable in the glass case that is her mind,
the most magnificent smash patterns
on the front line.
Like a miser building a cache of coins,
she collects withered loves
and buries them deep in the earth.
only she herself is aware where they are hidden.
She keeps her treasure safe from the world
only to be retrieved and used when she needs them.
She chases after drooping guts
like an exuberant kite runner
and scoops them into her arms.
She carries them with her to her shiny abode
and pins them to her bedroom walls.
The way she speaks about these others,
you would wonder, she had pulled all the strings.
And she collects broken hearts,
only to keep them in reserve.
She likes to save them for a rainy day
for when she is bored senseless,
she likes to break things.
So today when its raining outside,
she sits wondering which she should go about breaking
all over and over again !!!
she surreptitiously pockets wretched souls.
And when she has had her hearts fill
she stashes them away in a remote corner
not bothering to look their way,
letting them gather dust,
just content in the knowledge that they are there.
She duels for shattered dreams.
Like an ace athlete craving for trophies
she would do anything to win them.
She has them proudly on display
unreachable in the glass case that is her mind,
the most magnificent smash patterns
on the front line.
Like a miser building a cache of coins,
she collects withered loves
and buries them deep in the earth.
only she herself is aware where they are hidden.
She keeps her treasure safe from the world
only to be retrieved and used when she needs them.
She chases after drooping guts
like an exuberant kite runner
and scoops them into her arms.
She carries them with her to her shiny abode
and pins them to her bedroom walls.
The way she speaks about these others,
you would wonder, she had pulled all the strings.
And she collects broken hearts,
only to keep them in reserve.
She likes to save them for a rainy day
for when she is bored senseless,
she likes to break things.
So today when its raining outside,
she sits wondering which she should go about breaking
all over and over again !!!
Tuesday, February 28, 2012
No room in my life for you...yet!!
...but I love you.
I know. That is why you must leave.
But I know you love me too. I know you do.
I do, but I can't. Not now. Go.
I don't understand. You're not talking sense, just let me come in for a moment and talk to you.
No, its not safe.
You can't just brush me off with one your ridiculous comments.
No.
Please, just for bit.
OK. OK.
I have no idea what you are going on about. It doesn't look so crowded in here.
Don't sit in that chair.
Why not?
That's Sorrow's chair. He likes to sit in it and brood.
He's not here now.
He might show up at any moment and he'll be miffed if you're occupying his favorite spot.
All right. I'll just make some room on the couch.
No! Don't touch anything there. Those are Memories. I've been sorting them for weeks.
Oh.
They're slippery things and I keep finding more lying around.
Uh, maybe I'll just sit on the floor.
Sure. Whatever.
What are all these books? They have no titles.
Life plans.
There's so many of them.
Now you know why I don't go out much.
Any progress ?
I have chosen some plans, some big, others small.
Can you let me be a part of those plans ?
I'm sorry. They might include the world, but they exclude individuals at this point.
I'm not just anyone.
That is why you have to go. I do not want to fail you. And I'm telling you now that I will fail you.
But...
Careful!
What?
Don't lean on that box!
What the...?
Are you OK?
What on earth was that?
You're bleeding. Let me help you.
What was in that box?
I shouldn't have let you come in.
Tell me.
That was my Anger.
I'm sorry.
No, I'm sorry. Sit here for a moment, by the window, while I get you some water.
What a beautiful view.
This is where I sit and scan the horizon for my future, silhouetted against the setting sun.
You are such a drama queen.
Shut up.
Let me come with you.
No.
Let me spend the night. Like I used to. I'll even stay in the spare room.
No, it's occupied.
By who?
Not who, what. Frustration sleeps in there under the bed and would keep you awake with its endless moaning.
I can sleep in the hall.
Where my Worries congregate, plotting to suffocate my Dreams. No way.
Next you're going to tell me the closets are full of skeletons.
No. There were too many. I had to move them to the shed out back.
.....
You know that I want you to stay. I miss you. Terribly.
Then let me stay.
You should be able to see by now, that's impossible.
I'm trying to ignore it. Can I use your bathroom?
Yeah, its just down the hall, on the left, past the stack of Mistakes.
Right.
And careful of all the Hopes hanging out to dry in there.
Is there no joy in your life anymore?
Of course there is. Why do you think the kitchen is such a mess
.......
What's wrong? You look angry.
I found these.
So?
They're obviously not yours.
I know.
Someone else has been here?
Yes.
Did he spend the night?
Yes.
What do you want me to think right now?
I'm sorry.
You're sorry?
No, actually, I'm not. I succumb to physical desire on occasion.
A one night stand?
Yes.
How many?
A few.
Why won't you let me love you?
Because I'm not ready for you.
But you allow these men to.
They don't know me like you do.
This is bullshit.
You move me too much. Overwhelm me.
I love you.
That is why you have to go.
Tell me one thing.
What?
Are you happy?
I do not want to glorify my loneliness.
Are you happy?
Sometimes.
Hmm..Can I visit you again?
I won't be here
Why not?
I am taking myself hostage and going into self imposed exile.
Is there a ransom?
I need to have my way with my life.
What does that mean?
Look around you. Don't you see all the Questions? They're everywhere and they are wearing me out.
I can see that.
Until I answer them, I am the question. Unanswered. Demanding attention.
But...
Just go now. Please.
I'm not going to let you go this easy.
I know.
Maybe I should give you a piece of my broken heart to remember me by. You can display it on the table.
Just mind the Half Finished Thoughts on the way out. They like to hang out by the door.
When can I come back?
When I've cleared a space for you.
I know. That is why you must leave.
But I know you love me too. I know you do.
I do, but I can't. Not now. Go.
I don't understand. You're not talking sense, just let me come in for a moment and talk to you.
No, its not safe.
You can't just brush me off with one your ridiculous comments.
No.
Please, just for bit.
OK. OK.
I have no idea what you are going on about. It doesn't look so crowded in here.
Don't sit in that chair.
Why not?
That's Sorrow's chair. He likes to sit in it and brood.
He's not here now.
He might show up at any moment and he'll be miffed if you're occupying his favorite spot.
All right. I'll just make some room on the couch.
No! Don't touch anything there. Those are Memories. I've been sorting them for weeks.
Oh.
They're slippery things and I keep finding more lying around.
Uh, maybe I'll just sit on the floor.
Sure. Whatever.
What are all these books? They have no titles.
Life plans.
There's so many of them.
Now you know why I don't go out much.
Any progress ?
I have chosen some plans, some big, others small.
Can you let me be a part of those plans ?
I'm sorry. They might include the world, but they exclude individuals at this point.
I'm not just anyone.
That is why you have to go. I do not want to fail you. And I'm telling you now that I will fail you.
But...
Careful!
What?
Don't lean on that box!
What the...?
Are you OK?
What on earth was that?
You're bleeding. Let me help you.
What was in that box?
I shouldn't have let you come in.
Tell me.
That was my Anger.
I'm sorry.
No, I'm sorry. Sit here for a moment, by the window, while I get you some water.
What a beautiful view.
This is where I sit and scan the horizon for my future, silhouetted against the setting sun.
You are such a drama queen.
Shut up.
Let me come with you.
No.
Let me spend the night. Like I used to. I'll even stay in the spare room.
No, it's occupied.
By who?
Not who, what. Frustration sleeps in there under the bed and would keep you awake with its endless moaning.
I can sleep in the hall.
Where my Worries congregate, plotting to suffocate my Dreams. No way.
Next you're going to tell me the closets are full of skeletons.
No. There were too many. I had to move them to the shed out back.
.....
You know that I want you to stay. I miss you. Terribly.
Then let me stay.
You should be able to see by now, that's impossible.
I'm trying to ignore it. Can I use your bathroom?
Yeah, its just down the hall, on the left, past the stack of Mistakes.
Right.
And careful of all the Hopes hanging out to dry in there.
Is there no joy in your life anymore?
Of course there is. Why do you think the kitchen is such a mess
.......
What's wrong? You look angry.
I found these.
So?
They're obviously not yours.
I know.
Someone else has been here?
Yes.
Did he spend the night?
Yes.
What do you want me to think right now?
I'm sorry.
You're sorry?
No, actually, I'm not. I succumb to physical desire on occasion.
A one night stand?
Yes.
How many?
A few.
Why won't you let me love you?
Because I'm not ready for you.
But you allow these men to.
They don't know me like you do.
This is bullshit.
You move me too much. Overwhelm me.
I love you.
That is why you have to go.
Tell me one thing.
What?
Are you happy?
I do not want to glorify my loneliness.
Are you happy?
Sometimes.
Hmm..Can I visit you again?
I won't be here
Why not?
I am taking myself hostage and going into self imposed exile.
Is there a ransom?
I need to have my way with my life.
What does that mean?
Look around you. Don't you see all the Questions? They're everywhere and they are wearing me out.
I can see that.
Until I answer them, I am the question. Unanswered. Demanding attention.
But...
Just go now. Please.
I'm not going to let you go this easy.
I know.
Maybe I should give you a piece of my broken heart to remember me by. You can display it on the table.
Just mind the Half Finished Thoughts on the way out. They like to hang out by the door.
When can I come back?
When I've cleared a space for you.
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