His Magic Words

I rewind and replay the words he used
to pick the lock on my heart,
words of which he said
I deserved more.
[Ahh! Deserve..how hopeful it sounds..
a gush of crisp clean air
filling up a pair of choked up lungs]

Open Sesame!!
Abracadabra!!
And also 'I Love You'.
He knew, what words open
rusty creaky doors,
after months of locks,
defeat and paranoia.

This time I needed all
I thought I had given away,
I thought I will never need anymore.
I still hold on to
distorted images from dishonest mirrors
endearing nicknames
diagrams and doodles and representations
trinkets
and memories.

When he grins
it is a thousand word story,
punctuated by dimples,
blushes and eye contacts.
He knows,
when to look
and when to look away.

I sit here still
hoping to catch a glimpse
when he looks my way.

Collectors Items

Like a kleptomaniac,
she surreptitiously pockets wretched souls.
And when she has had her hearts fill
she stashes them away in a remote corner
not bothering to look their way,
letting them gather dust,
just content in the knowledge that they are there.

She duels for shattered dreams.
Like an ace athlete craving for trophies
she would do anything to win them.
She has them proudly on display
unreachable in the glass case that is her mind,
the most magnificent smash patterns
on the front line.

Like a miser building a cache of coins,
she collects withered loves
and buries them deep in the earth.
only she herself is aware where they are hidden.
She keeps her treasure safe from the world
only to be retrieved and used when she needs them.

She chases after drooping guts
like an exuberant kite runner
and scoops them into her arms.
She carries them with her to her shiny abode
and pins them to her bedroom walls.
The way she speaks about these others,
you would wonder, she had pulled all the strings.

And she collects broken hearts,
only to keep them in reserve.
She likes to save them for a rainy day
for when she is bored senseless,
she likes to break things.
So today when its raining outside,
she sits wondering which she should go about breaking
all over and over again !!!

No room in my life for you...yet!!

...but I love you.
I know. That is why you must leave.
But I know you love me too. I know you do.
I do, but I can't. Not now. Go.
I don't understand. You're not talking sense, just let me come in for a moment and talk to you.
No, its not safe. 
You can't just brush me off with one your ridiculous comments.
No.
Please, just for bit.
OK. OK.
I have no idea what you are going on about. It doesn't look so crowded in here.
Don't sit in that chair.
Why not?
That's Sorrow's chair. He likes to sit in it and brood.
He's not here now.
He might show up at any moment and he'll be miffed if you're occupying his favorite spot.
All right. I'll just make some room on the couch.
No! Don't touch anything there. Those are Memories. I've been sorting them for weeks.
Oh.
They're slippery things and I keep finding more lying around.
Uh, maybe I'll just sit on the floor.
Sure. Whatever.
What are all these books? They have no titles.
Life plans.
There's so many of them.
Now you know why I don't go out much.
Any progress ?
I have chosen some plans, some big, others small.
Can you let me be a part of those plans ?
I'm sorry. They might include the world, but they exclude individuals at this point.
I'm not just anyone.
That is why you have to go. I do not want to fail you. And I'm telling you now that I will fail you.
But...
Careful!
What?
Don't lean on that box!
What the...?
Are you OK?
What on earth was that?
You're bleeding. Let me help you.
What was in that box?
I shouldn't have let you come in.
Tell me. 
That was my Anger.
I'm sorry.
No, I'm sorry. Sit here for a moment, by the window, while I get you some water.
What a beautiful view.
This is where I sit and scan the horizon for my future, silhouetted against the setting sun.
You are such a drama queen.
Shut up.
Let me come with you.
No. 
Let me spend the night. Like I used to. I'll even stay in the spare room.
No, it's occupied.
By who?
Not who, what. Frustration sleeps in there under the bed and would keep you awake with its endless moaning.
I can sleep in the hall.
Where my Worries congregate, plotting to suffocate my Dreams. No way.
Next you're going to tell me the closets are full of skeletons.
No. There were too many. I had to move them to the shed out back.
.....
You know that I want you to stay. I miss you. Terribly.
Then let me stay.
You should be able to see by now, that's impossible.
I'm trying to ignore it. Can I use your bathroom?
Yeah, its just down the hall, on the left, past the stack of Mistakes.
Right.
And careful of all the Hopes hanging out to dry in there.
Is there no joy in your life anymore?
Of course there is. Why do you think the kitchen is such a mess
.......
What's wrong? You look angry.
I found these.
So?
They're obviously not yours.
I know.
Someone else has been here?
Yes.
Did he spend the night?
Yes.
What do you want me to think right now?
I'm sorry.
You're sorry? 
No, actually, I'm not. I succumb to physical desire on occasion.
A one night stand?
Yes.
How many?
A few.
Why won't you let me love you?
Because I'm not ready for you.
But you allow these men to.
They don't know me like you do.
This is bullshit.
You move me too much. Overwhelm me.
I love you.
That is why you have to go.
Tell me one thing.
What?
Are you happy?
I do not want to glorify my loneliness.
Are you happy?
Sometimes.
Hmm..Can I visit you again?
I won't be here
Why not?
I am taking myself hostage and going into self imposed exile.
Is there a ransom?
I need to have my way with my life.
What does that mean?
Look around you. Don't you see all the Questions? They're everywhere and they are wearing me out.
I can see that.
Until I answer them, I am the question. Unanswered. Demanding attention.
But...
Just go now. Please.
I'm not going to let you go this easy.
I know.
Maybe I should give you a piece of my broken heart to remember me by. You can display it on the table.
Just mind the Half Finished Thoughts on the way out. They like to hang out by the door.
When can I come back?
When I've cleared a space for you.