Its All I Have

Times when my soul is shrouded
in some sort of bitterness
a feeling
I cannot even begin to comprehend
looms large
over my small imaginary world
and that is when
I scramble with an ungainly gait
into the perimeter of my empty heart
It scares you, doesnt it?
I know, it does ..
I have seen you flinch,
that hurt look on your face
when you see me rambling to myself,
lost in echoes of erstwhile thoughts
But, you can't even touch
the hopelessness that i feel
and I don't want you to,
because it's mine..
It's all I have 

Estranged

Clear eyes see

and a clear mind knows
that the world is unchanged

Traffic still moves in push/pull.
Language
mostly coarse and derisive
still fills the air.

Hummingbirds
have not replaced
the pigeons at our window.
There is no rainbow
at the horizon.
Life - both mundane and beautiful
moves along
unfazed.

I will step out
into the tide of humanity
with this secret held
in my heart.
No one could look at my face
and see that
my existence has been redefined.
They have not been blessed
by your fingertips
were not waken as if from death
by your lips
They slumber
as they go about their days.

While I
now wonderfully estranged
stride past
unnoticed.

Daydreams

I, these days wonder
what it would be like to be in this world with you,
to gauge the moon and scan the stars with you
to smell the sweet scent of rain washed skies
to feel the mushy earth after wards with you


What it would be like
to watch you walking from across the room
reading your lines, committing them to your silly head
to catch us in a ticklish moment,
where we can be kids again, smooth and innocent


So many ways i can see you
when i have nothing to build on but these words
In sock feet on the sofa, reading a paperback
my head in your lap
A shy smile as i wait in line for our orders
a glint in both our eyes
And always surrounding us a blanket of unspoken comfort
not always from touching,
just sharing the air together in the same room

Or simply idle chatter building up in swells
cascading in fountain with colorful lights
the night lit with the brilliance of our words
the fireworks of our conversations
dimming everything else

I wonder
if we are ever given a chance
will it be beautiful
or will it all backfire, leaving us sullen ..
yearning for the screen so swiftly pulled away
to descend and once more conceal us
i like to believe though
that we would be connected and never want to let go
i have always liked better the pain of letting go
than never having that whose loss will hurt.

It is hard to have this and live
its hard to accept fate thus
its hard, when your heart is dividing
forever

Look For Me

Look for me
when i am gone
between the pages of the notebook
that i keep
but will never show you
where i have kept alive
every strange moment
i have chosen no longer to dwell upon
where i have stashed you
every thought of you
And a simple wish
how much i would have loved
to have been loved by you

Look for me
and you will find me
you will know me
in between the notes
of the thousand songs
thats i once sang to you
you will find me
in the flight of the empty swing
that i once pushed
a thousand miles into the blue sky
as you stood beneath
and watched
captivated
you will find me
in the contours of the painting
that hangs near the window
or beneath your stairs
you will know me
by the colors - deep and bold
colors of a heart
you never knew
never comprehended

Look for me
because i look for you
I uncover you
in every dream
hiding one more flight of stairs away
higher and lighter
in the distance
I look for you like a ghost
In all the places i go
and sometimes i find you
in the shadow of a man
who wears your haircut
I look for you
in between raindrops
are you
the blue curve of the rainbow?

I will now look for you
where i know you hide
in bewteen the folds of my thoughts
I will look for you
and push you out
I will!!

His Magic Words

I rewind and replay the words he used
to pick the lock on my heart,
words of which he said
I deserved more.
[Ahh! Deserve..how hopeful it sounds..
a gush of crisp clean air
filling up a pair of choked up lungs]

Open Sesame!!
Abracadabra!!
And also 'I Love You'.
He knew, what words open
rusty creaky doors,
after months of locks,
defeat and paranoia.

This time I needed all
I thought I had given away,
I thought I will never need anymore.
I still hold on to
distorted images from dishonest mirrors
endearing nicknames
diagrams and doodles and representations
trinkets
and memories.

When he grins
it is a thousand word story,
punctuated by dimples,
blushes and eye contacts.
He knows,
when to look
and when to look away.

I sit here still
hoping to catch a glimpse
when he looks my way.